Learning a Lesson

Yesterday was quite emotional at church. From Sunday School to the end of worship, my eyes were clouded with tears. I almost went into that "ugly cry" that Oprah speaks of. I left between Sunday school and service just to compose myself. Yeah, it was bad. I looked like I had either eaten a brick of salt, or swallowed a bees nest with all the puffiness that was going on in my face. What ev.

With my left leg starting to go numb now, the discouragement mounts. I realize I need to get my emotions in check and somehow make a turn in my thinking. Away from what I am feeling and more focus on Jesus. I have been wrestling with how to Trust God with my pain. I know He is there in the midst of it, but I don't know what it looks like to actually trust him with it. Do you? I know most of your sunday school answers on trusting, but for whatever reason, I feel it doesn't apply to me. The concept, idea, is all "out there" like in the stars, over my head, I can't grasp onto them. How to I grab them, and pull them into my heart so they change my life?

I wasn't in my usual seat yesterday during service, I came late and sat in the fellowship hall. It was a different point of view, as I usually am in the second row. I could look out on the crowd and with every back of the head I looked at, I could tell you a story of something tough they were walking through. Put together on the outside, but emotional turmoil, physical pain, broken relationships, financial hardships, loneliness and the like was all I could see on the inside. Here we all were, in this church, praising the same God. Allowing our Pastor to bring God's word to us in a real and challenging way.

As thankful for the sermon that I was and the reason I came back to church that day, something else happened that I am even more thankful for. He (Jesus) gave me a "whisper" of peace and a step in trusting. He told me that my focus is Him. Whatever hindrance my pain puts between me and Jesus, I need to do what it takes to take the pain out of the way. Getting rid of the pain is not my ultimate goal, pain is a wall and I have options for how to get rid of it so I can put my focus on Him. If I need to exercise, stretch, take medicine, pray, meditate, or worship by creating, that is what I need to do to put the focus back on Him. He is what I strive for. Being pain-free isn't at the finish line. Jesus is standing at the end of the 100 meter hurdles, the pain are those hurdles, and I need to use whatever means I can to get over those hurdles to reach my focus of Jesus! What a breath of fresh air. What a weight has been lifted. What an answer to prayer.

This isn't the end, today is my first day in changing my focus, only in Christ will it happen. Only when we all pray, will I be able to do this moment by moment.
While my face and hands were covered with tears, I could hear a little sniffle coming from behind me. It was our sweet secretary, Anna. She calls me sis and makes me always feel like I belong. She came and sat next to me while service was coming to a close. She said, "I don't know why, but I am supposed to put my hand on your back." She did, and we both wept. I can't say I am healed, but I can say, I don't walk alone in this. All the ladies in my sunday school class, my friends, indivuals who feel called to pray and my family are walking with me. What an encouragement and a blessing.

I hope I can get over this life sucking hurdle of pain to put the focus back on Jesus. My striving for that finish line of Jesus cheering me on will not be in vain, I will reach him. Hope you can too.